A nightmare on loop: That’s what the last two years have felt like.
This pandemic has been extremely challenging on all of us, and I think we have yet to comprehend the collective trauma we’ve all endured.. As difficult as it has been though, I think we’ve learned a number of valuable lessons.. Like how we need to practice more gratitude and live in the present moment. We definitely took people and experiences for granted. It also taught us more about ourselves, our thresholds, and who/what we can (or cannot) withstand. The ugly truth came to the surface for many of us, whether we liked it or not. We were forced to sit with nothing but our own company and ask if we were really happy.
If it weren’t for the pandemic, I don’t think I would have come to the conclusion that I needed to step away from Music Supervision. I’m weirdly thankful for it, otherwise, I probably would have perpetually suffered further in silence. I’m afraid to know what my body and mind would have gone through if I continued down that stressful and toxic path.
For me, burnout showed up in the form of weight-gain. No matter how hard I tried, I could never lose the weight, even if I put in effort to exercise and eat well. Burnout also made it difficult for my body to recover from any workout at all. My muscles were always sore and no vitamin or supplement would help. My body was in a constant state of stress, and the additional pressure I put on myself only made it worse. I had regular heart palpitations, a hormone imbalance and high blood pressure. My doctor told me I was on the verge of having a heart attack, I was only 30 at the time.
I also wasn’t sleeping. I had insomnia and paranoia, and would regularly have nightmares about budget sheets and denied quote requests. I would panic that I was over budget on every project, or that I forgot to send that one deal memo that should have been delivered days ago. I clenched my jaw constantly, chunks of my hair fell out and I was easily irritated. I had intense anxiety, regular panic attacks and temper issues; I hardly recognized myself.
All of these things added up and made me feel like I couldn’t keep up with my own responsibilities, let alone do my job right. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind.
Music Supervision is not about making playlists and watching TV/Film all day.. Not even close.. The majority of the job is spent negotiating, problem solving, budgeting, managing expectations, and doing A LOT of administrative work. If you’re one of the rare Music Supervisors who handles nothing but creative, congratulations - you’ve practically made it! Although you also have your own specific challenges, like not overseeing your own clearances. I know not having that ability can cause its own level of stress, especially if you’re relying on a clearance person to be on top of their shit.
For me, I handled all aspects: Creative, clearances, licenses and administration. Oh, and I should mention I was also attempting to bring in new business. We honestly didn’t even have a coordinator to assist us for a good chunk of my career, which meant we were all doing our own paperwork and cue-sheets, on top of individually pitching and managing 5+ projects at a time. That was reasonable for me for a number of years, until it wasn’t.
I would have crippling anxiety anytime a producer or client called me, for fear that something was wrong, or that more work was about to be added to my plate. To them, they’re only working on the one project, so understandably so, it’s prioritized accordingly. But for freelance Music Supervisors, we can’t afford to work on only one project at a time. We have to say yes to everything that comes in, which makes working on multiple projects simultaneously very difficult. It’s hard to prioritize when everything is a priority.
The challenge for me was that I honestly really liked the majority of the people I got to work with. I wanted to help them get an A-list Soundtrack, but it started to get difficult when I couldn’t give them all of my undivided attention. It simply wasn’t fair to anyone involved.
Music Supervision is definitely meant for type A people. You work late hours and it’s a lot to juggle. You have to be good at managing your time, be extremely organized and handle conflict with ease. You also have to be very good at problem solving. You pretty much have to anticipate for everything to go wrong, then have a minimum of 3 back up plans readily prepared. You also have to manage the client’s expectations, which is one of the hardest parts of the job… More on that another time though.
Not only was I Music Supervising full-time (and I think I was pretty dang good at it), but I was asked to take on a TON of additional roles. Things like, music editing (cutting music to picture in pro-tools), running social media accounts, handling I.T. and tech issues, as well as managing and creating websites. I was also asked to be on the board of directors for The Guild of Music Supervisors Canada, where I handled all of their social events.. Which meant I produced and curated a week-long educational Sync event every year. Plus, I threw holiday and summer parties for our members.
At one point, I produced a 3-day music and film event held during the Toronto International Film Festival, which I did every year for a total of 5 years… All of these additional jobs, they didn't pay… I honestly look back at it now and am astonished I pulled any of that off. None of it sounds manageable to me now.
Now, I realize that working in and/or running a small business means taking on a heavier workload in order to get the gears in motion.. I’m not afraid of hard work.. But to be a Music Supervisor, a music editor, a social media person, and an event’s planner? That’s nutty y’all..
It’s hard because I’m typically someone who loves to help or volunteer my time. I’m usually happy to do it, but it got to a point where I was overworked, (clearly I have a hard time saying no). A line was crossed and I hated that every second of my day was going to other people or other responsibilities. I didn’t feel like a person any more.
I felt numb, like I lost myself somewhere along the way. I was living my dream! I had the dream job, lived in my dream city, was in a happy and healthy relationship, and yet, I couldn’t have been more miserable. I was grateful for the opportunities I had, the work I was doing, the people I got to work with, but the scale was heavily imbalanced. Somewhere along the way, the gratitude I had turned into resentment and that’s when I stopped having fun.
Eventually though, I realized I needed to make a change. I was giving too much of myself away and I didn’t want to be a victim to it any longer.
We live in an era where more and more of our time is being taken from us. We’re asked to do more, with shorter turnaround times. And god! If it’s not done perfectly, watch out! Oh, and did I mention, you’ll get paid less to do it? We’re told we have to be able to manage stress and do so with a smile on our face.. Unfortunately, that’s “just the way it is” and the “work needs to get done”.. There are expectations set that no human can comfortably manage and it is ridiculous. I don’t want to put my body and mind through that tumultuous cycle, it’s not worth losing myself over.. Life is way too short.
After I shared my initial post on instagram about stepping away, I received an overwhelming amount of messages from colleagues, friends and other music supervisors who admitted they too were struggling with their workload. We have all been suffering in silence and not feeling comfortable enough to share or support each other through it. None of us want to complain, appear ungrateful or seem like we don’t have our shit together. We want it to look as though everything is fine and dandy, but what’s the point in all of that?
This week, I’d love for you to look at your own life.. Are there areas in which you can take back some of your time and give it to yourself? Could you say no to that one thing and maybe take yourself out for a treat? Whether that is a tasty dessert, a coffee, or simply purchasing something nice for yourself..? It could be a walk out in mother nature, or taking your shoes off to feel the grass under your feet. Find something that speaks to you.
Also, is there a way you could ask for help so that you could actually do said thing? It might feel a little uncomfortable to carve this time out for yourself, or selfish even, but go there.. For it’s in the uncomfortable spaces that we learn to grow and expand. Consider this your accountability space, share in the comments the nice thing you did for yourself this week...
Believe it or not, that dumb L'Oréal slogan kind of does say it all; “you’re worth it”.. Totally and completely worth it baby :)
@sunlightafterdark
Amen! Thanks for sharing, sweet friend. So brutal you arrived at that state of dire straits and so good our bodies are so intuitive (but it’s also annnnoying. I wish I didn’t carry stress…. Pounds and pounds of it because the ol’ bod is not here for it). To answer your lovely call to action (🙏🏼), I actually took a few extra days off these last two weeks because I’m exhausted, not feeling great, and the work load is particularly crazy / inequitable right now with teacher shortages. But also, you’re right - prolonged stress is a different ball game. When has it NOT been wild every week of the last few years / or adulthood? Reality / the narrative needs to set in a bit. I go to work every day, and do a hard job in a pandemic. And just keep going and going and going. So impressed you chose a different course, and thankful you’re sharing it here. Feeling real lucky I get to connect with you and hear about you 🙏🏼. What a privilege it is for all of us who get to hear your thoughts, perspective, experience, and know you because you let us! So powerful!
So - I went to the country. Went for a walk in the woods with my dog and heard the birds, purred with the cat in the sun, played on the tree swing, batted the baseball out to the dog, rode the tractor like when I was young. I love the kids I hang with every day, but the rest of it… it’s a looooong haul. We all need to normalize mental health days without questions from work, etc. I feel so fed when I take time to be myself - traipsing around in rubber boots and whistling to the animals. And, I’m eeeeven reading this from the bath with the sun in the window because I got real muddy like I like to - so happy it’s feeling so warm and springlike today. Winters are LONG. Love you big time!!! #thatsthelondonlook
Thank you for sharing, Dondrea. I know I can relate to this one. I've been going on neighborhood walks during the day and it helps so much to pay attention to my surroundings and absorb the sun. I really let my mind focus on what I see and hear during those walks which gives me reprieve from the stress in my work - Even if it's only for 20 minutes to a half hour. Loving your work with Bye-Bye Burnout! Excited to read more.