boundaries are your best friend
05 - check yourself before you neglect yourself
I always thought I was pretty decent at setting boundaries. I knew when to say no to something if I didn’t like it, and I took pride in putting my email away after a certain hour. But the truth is, I was terrible at it.
Not being able to set healthy boundaries caused me to feel overwhelmed, resentful, and constantly avoidant. I had frequent daydreams about quitting my job and moving to a small town in the cottage country of Canada, where I would sell books or plants.
Early on in my career, I DESPERATELY tried to set boundaries for myself. I attempted to verbalize it, and failed.. I tried to write it out on paper, and failed… It left me feeling useless and frustrated, which then started this insecure and self-sabotaging loop in my brain. So I kept quiet, did my work, took breaks when I wanted to and tried not to be so hard on myself.
Of course, that didn’t last very long..
I ended up stumbling upon a couple of self-help books and that’s when things really started shifting for me.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab really opened my eyes to how much work I needed to do on myself. In her book, she talks about how communicating what you want is tough at first, and dealing with what comes after can be just as uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. HA - you can say that again.
She goes on to list the reasons as to why people don’t respect your boundaries, (which is something I really struggled with):
You don’t take yourself seriously
You don’t hold people accountable
You apologize for setting boundaries
You allow too much flexibility
You speak in uncertain terms
You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head)
You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough
You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how to act when they violate a boundary
Oooof.
There are also different types of boundaries; such as emotional, physical, financial and intellectual. In addition to that, there are many areas in which these boundaries can be practiced and set, like at work, at home or within specific friendships.
Not setting boundaries obviously leads to feeling anxious, overwhelmed, burnt out and more. It also sucks for people pleasers because doing this healthy thing for ourselves causes immense guilt. We don’t want to upset anyone or come across as a terrible person, so we tend to bury our heads in the sand and keep quiet.
It’s easy to get taken advantage of in this state too. Especially if you don’t speak up about something that really upsets or harms you. It sucks to know that you’re also partly to blame. If you don’t advocate for yourself, it’s hard for other people to fully respect you. Practicing better boundaries is really the only way to live a freer, lighter and happier life.
(lousy drawings for good people)
Sometimes, after you’ve set a boundary, people will disregard it, and that’s when the real work comes in. You can either live with being uncomfortable and setting the initial boundary (again), or you can be resentful, upset and let’s face it, probably even more uncomfortable if you choose to not set it at all. One option keeps you stuck in the mud, while the other leads to growth and confidence.
It’s okay to want to create a healthier lifestyle for yourself. You’re not asking for the world. You can choose to not respond to emails past 6pm (minus emergencies). You can put your phone away and not answer your work related texts over the weekend. And not responding to them doesn’t make you a shitty employee, it means you have dignity.
This is all easier said than done, I know. Especially in a society that LOVES TO WORK AND BE BUSY.
I highly recommend picking up Nedra’s book though. It ultimately helped me set the biggest boundary of all, and that was to leave an environment that gave me zero boundaries. I was able to reclaim my sanity and my self-respect by doing so, and I’m really proud of myself for it.
How can you set better boundaries for yourself? They can be really small, in fact, Nedra encourages you to start small. It doesn’t have to be as big as leaving your job… Although, it could come to that once you’ve done some introspective work.
See you next week :)
Spot on!!! 🙏❤